I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
