omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
