I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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