And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
