Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
