You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
