K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
