My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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