If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm both gender and math confused
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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