I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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