My liver just broke up with me...
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
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I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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