I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
