I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Is Oprah even human
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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