why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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