You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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