He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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