I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
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I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
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I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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