apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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