My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
