This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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