I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
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