So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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