i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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