So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
