So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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