Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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