I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
