I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
