And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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