Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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