There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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