it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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