I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
