Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
