i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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