i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
BRING THE BAGELS
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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