just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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