Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
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