She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
