who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
