I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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