it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
