Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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