Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
