I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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