Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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