So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
