T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
If I had your ass I would rule the world
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
