JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize