NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
