First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
