I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
