please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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