We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
