I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
