You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
