There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
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Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
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I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.