you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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