Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.