Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
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Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
he was CRYING into my vagina
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
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So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant