The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
