I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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