if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
